The Ninja Life
There is a known model for the Triangle of Perpetual Drama known as the "Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer" Triangle. The concept is that IF there is a "Victim" (in any capacity), than there must also be the two other roles existing in their lives.
This is why most drama seems exhaustingly endless in many relationships.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who absolutely refuses to take responsibility for anything, ever? It's beyond exhausting! Or have you ever had a friend who is constantly finding themselves in one drama filled scenario after the next? And every single instance is "someone else's fault".
Let me share the basic premise of each of these roles before I get into how you can get out of this Triangle of Perpetual Drama.
The general idea is that the "Victim" is the person who constantly blames others for everything in their life. They are always a victim! There’s probably never a scenario in which they take responsibility for, and if they do, it's always from a very "victimized" perspective. (Ex. I did it only because someone else made me do it).
The "Victim" will blame, at all costs! And I mean at all costs! They will blame their children, their spouses, their bosses, their friends, strangers, the news, the dog, and the cat, FOR EVERYTHING! They’ll blame the fish in the freaking fish tank, if they can get away with it!
Many “Victims” are not aware of the fact that they are a “Victim”. They have convinced themselves entirely that, in some capacity, they’ve given up control to someone else, and have therefore been “victimized” in life. Many will act as though they put themselves on the "back-burner" to selflessly attend to someone else, and then blame them for having done so.
Either way, they’re never to blame.
The "Rescuer" is the "Enabler". They are the ones the "Victim" turns to. They are the person who the "Victim" allows to continue to be a "Victim". They consistently perpetuate the concept that the "Victim" has no personal responsibility in their own life, and if by chance they do, it wasn't really their fault.
If you're in a relationship with someone who is a "Victim", then the "Rescuer" (if not you) is probably their closest friend, who constantly offers them space to act as though they have been wronged, over and over, and over again.
The "Rescuer" is also someone who takes care of the "Victim", and their problems, and issues, and drama, for them. The "Rescuer" is someone who will say, "I'll handle it for you", OR (worse) "Shield" them from the consequences of their own actions.
Most addicts have at least one (if not many) "Rescuers-Enablers" in their lives, all of whom shield them from the personal consequences of their own actions, which only perpetuates the "Victims" desire to create the same issues over again in their lives. The "Rescuer" is usually unaware of the fact that they have become an Enabler.
If you are a "Rescuer" you will eventually become exhausted by the reality that your relationship has become very one-sided, with you doing all of the giving, and the "Victim" doing all of the taking.
The "Persecutor " is generally known as someone who dominates the "Victim", and keeps the "Victim" down. In the usual accepted model of this triangle of drama, the "Persecutor " is the one who acts in ways that feeds into the "Victims" frame of mind into becoming a "Victim". They will remind the "Victim" that they're not good enough, or can't do something on their own.
However, I have also discovered recently that there can be an "Unknowing Persecutor " in a "Victims" life. This person is a "Persecutor " who isn't dominating, or negative towards the "Victim" but the “Victim” has chosen them as the “bad guy”. The "Unknowing Persecutor " doesn't realize they are the one the "Victim" is blaming for everything wrong with their lives...Until they do.
I have cared for people, with the idea that it was an act of selflessness and kindness, not knowing all along that the "Victim" was blaming me for their shortcomings in life, or unhappiness.
And the problem is that once you realize you've become a "Persecutor " to someone, you almost always end up being manipulated into becoming the
"Rescuer" to them too. You will spend your relationship with them constantly trying to make things right, or good enough. You will exhaust your energy attempting to please them, in every capacity. Your relationship will begin to become very one-sided, with you doing all of the giving, and them doing all of the taking!
IT IS EXHAUSTING! Believe me!
You will never be "good enough" for them because "good enough" isn't what they're looking for. What they're looking for is only to remain in a situation where they don't have to take any personal responsibility for their own life, or actions.
Truthfully, at some point or another in my lifetime, I have been one of each of these people. And I can tell you first hand that ALL roles are incredibly exhausting, and never fulfilling in the end.
The problem with this scenario is that most people, in ALL of these roles, have NO CLUE they are participating in this triangle; and because of this, the triangle causes extreme anxiety, and ultimately can lead you down a very distressing road full of chaos and drama.
You may be in this Triangle without realizing you're participating in one of the most chaotic relationships scenarios imaginable.
There is no way out of this, except to get out of the relationship entirely, or be strong enough to make some significant changes to your own behavior. You will never change a "Victim". You will never be able to convince them that they're not a "Victim", especially if you are someone who plays one of the other two roles in their life.
So how do you deal with it if you can't get out of the relationship for one reason or another?
I'm glad you asked!
TOP 5 WAYS TO STOP FEEDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A VICTIM, and get out of the triangle, without getting out of the relationship.
1. Recognize that you are in this triangle. Admitting that you have participated in this cyclical drama (knowingly or otherwise) is mandatory. Take some inventory over all of your current relationships!
Are you a "Victim"? Do you act like everything in your life is someone else's fault?
Do you refuse to take responsibility for anything, or everything?
Are you constantly blaming others for things that happen to you?
2. Accept your role, wholly! No matter what role you’ve played, take full responsibility for how you have participated in this, and perhaps do some soul searching as to why.
My brother was a drug addict for the majority of his adult life, and I didn't realize that I was his "Rescuer-Enabler" until the moment I stopped enabling him...And then he quit doing drugs! Seriously!
Many of us in this triangle have no clue we are knee deep in this chaotic reality. I thought I was being "loving" and "forgiving" and "supportive", every single time he needed something, and he had no one but me to turn to. Turns out, I was enabling his addiction. So I had to take a good hard look at why I was being his “Rescuer-Enabler”. What was it about me that allowed this? What was I getting out of it?
I didn't realize I was being a "Victim" when I was refusing to accept that I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't giving back to me, as I was giving to them. I constantly complained about how I wasn't having my basic needs met, yet didn't nothing else about it. I didn't realize it was my "Victim mentality" that kept me there for so long.
And I didn't realize that I was being an "Unknowing Persecutor " until I was in a relationship with a "Victim" who was blaming me for absolutely everything that was going wrong in their life. I was trying my hardest to fix their life for them (assuming all along they were feeling grateful for me) not realizing they looked at me as someone who kept them down.
Take some inventory of your relationships. Consider your role(s) you play in each, and accept your responsibility for them.
3. Set new boundaries, and change the rules of the relationship. We teach people how to treat us. There is no exception to this rule! I was in a relationship with a "Victim" and I put my foot down and said, "I recognize this behavior, and accept how I have perpetuated it, but I'm tired, and I'm done. From now on you are not allowed to receive anything from me until I see some gratitude from you, and feel as though the love and kindness between us is truly reciprocated. I'm not going to be someone you blame in your life. I'm no longer going to fill in the blanks and pick up the pieces of your mess. I'm not going to do anymore actions that have anything to do with you until I feel safe to do so, knowing for sure that those actions won't be held over my head as anything else but selfless and kind and loving."
Set new boundaries, and stick to them! Teach everyone how to treat you by letting them watch how you treat yourself!
4. Be strong and do not deviate from your new awareness and fall back into your old role. You can't draw a line in the sand and allow people to cross it, over and over again. Setting a boundary and not sticking to it is worse than if you didn't set one at all.
Saying to someone, "I'm done with your behavior" but then still continuing to accept it, will only make things worse. You will only be disrespected more. You will only be looked at as someone they can walk all over, who doesn't honor their own agreements, and needs, and desires.
Be someone who loves themselves and their life enough to demand reciprocated love and kindness. Choose different!
5. Demand reciprocation and equality. The one single reality about the above-mentioned triangle of anxiety and chaos is that all of these relationships are (for the most part) totally unequal. They are full of one-sided giving, and one-sided taking. The Rescuer is always giving more to the Victim. The Victim is always giving more to the Persecutor . The Persecutor is always giving more to themselves (unless it's an "Unknowing Persecutor ").
And if you're an "Unknowing Persecutor " and actively choose to continue to be so, trust me, you've just turned into the "Victim".
No matter what role you play, if you're in this triangle, then you're not in a healthy relationship. That is for sure!
The way to a happy peaceful life is being surrounded by like-minded, kind, loving, supportive people. You cannot live a positive life with negative people around you. Period. There is no exception to this rule.
I can promise you that Oprah Winfrey and Tony Robbins don't have "Negative" friends they spend their time with, who are always bringing them down with their energy, or allowing them to use them, or that they are using!
So ask yourself what you want your future to look like, and if it's not filled with chaos and perpetual drama, GET OUT of these relationships immediately (or fix them).
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Let's be honest here...you can tell me you're a faith believing Christian, a devout Muslim, a kind man, a thoughtful woman, a giving child, a considerate boss, a loyal friend...but you don't know these things to be true until your words are tested with actions.
These last few months of my life have really tested my spirit, and my knowledge about myself. I realized that I truly DO have faith, because when the "shit hit the ceiling" I knew that, as much as things felt as though they were falling apart, they were all truly just falling into place for me.
Faith is not living in the awareness of what IS...it's living in the awareness of what IS TO COME! You can't say you have faith if when your life falls apart your faith is nowhere to be found. When my life looked like it was falling apart I had to make the decision to walk in faith or NOT? And make no mistake about it, It IS a decision!
Loyalty is measured in the same way...by actions. I have had many "friends" I believed would throw themselves in front of a bullet for me...but when push comes to shove they wouldn't even tell me a bus was coming towards me, much less shove me out of the way. The truth is you can be "friends" with someone for years and years but you will never know if that person is truly a friend until that friendship is tested!
Time is not a test of friendship...LIFE is! We must leave ourselves open to a level of this understanding about all things in life, truly nothing is known until it is tested!
You don't know that you would, or wouldn't, cheat on your spouse until the moment comes that you have the opportunity (and DESIRE) to do so and you choose NOT to. You really don't know whether you would kick and scream in the injustice of life until you're forced to rise above a situation that has brought you down...and you choose to rise and rise again!
I have spent the better part of the last 2 years of my life rebuilding myself, my image, my character, my life...and inspiring people to look beyond where they've been and fix their eyes on new prizes ahead with faith in tact...tethered not to religion but to faith outside of religious ideologies and the deeper understanding of the law of attraction.
Inspiring others to understand that our thoughts are becoming our things because our thoughts become our feelings, and our feelings become our energy, and our energy shifts our awareness, and our motions, and it all eventually becomes a self fulfilled prophecy of WHAT YOU BELIEVE WILL and CAN HAPPEN...DOES HAPPEN!
So when my business goes under...or when I'm sued by a renowned rock star and my character is up for debate...and my own followers are watching to see what I'll do...I must remind myself that ACTIONS. SPEAK. LOUDER. THAN. WORDS.
How can I fall under the siege of depression if I believe that my life is exactly all that I have made it by my own faith in things to come, not seen? I can't. I must remain strong.
So I made a pact with myself...you get a moment to cry...because, let's face it, life is hard, and sometimes it brings us to our knees...BUT DAMMIT KRISTY you never get to whine. Whining is for babies that don't believe in the power of our intentions, and thoughts, and actions.
You're bigger than this. You're better than any situation you're in and take your own advice. Look into your own future and think about the woman you're going to become some day...what would she do in this moment?
Perhaps you're not as strong as you're going to be some day... so look to your future self for direction and guidance here. What would your future self do today?
That future woman is strong, and immobile in faith yet flexible to life. She perseveres through hard times understanding that we simply have GOOD DAYS OR we have "Character Building Days", and there's no other choice at hand.
We cannot simply GO through the motions of life, sweeping the hard stuff under the covers...we must GROW through life, becoming a bigger and better version of ourself along the way.
So at the end of a struggling moment...the most powerful thing you get is the realization of who you truly have become, after it's all said and done.
And let me tell you...it is truly empowering beyond words!
The moral to this story..."adversity introduces a man to himself" ;)
The truth is that "life" happens to us all. The difference isn't WHAT happens to us as much as it is HOW we handle it all, as it comes our way...
The bigger truth is that the more successful people have mastered the mind and learned to think, feel and "act" independent of circumstances and stay strong, "truck through" and "stay on track" despite what's happening around them, or even "to" them.
Here's some things I've discovered that truly successful people wake up and tell themselves, or other people.
1. Good morning.
Did you know that happy people say "good morning" more often than unhappy people? Do you ever say "good morning", out loud? Try it, not just to people in your home, but as often as you can once you leave the house!
Saying "good morning", out loud, to as many people as possible, creates positive energy... and what better way to start your day than through spreading positive energy. LIFE is an echo. What we put out, we all get back.
2. I own today!
When did we lose sight of the fact that we are in control? Why have we convinced ourselves it's easier to be a victim in life? Stop pretending like you keep falling into bad days...when the truth is that you keep CHOOSING to have bad days!
Sure, you have no control over what happens to you, but you have 100%, absolute control over how you respond to it. You get to choose whether or not it puts you in a bad mood or good mood. So, just choose better! YOU own today!
3. Everything works together for my good.
Successful people have an innate belief that the universe is conspiring FOR them, not against them. They believe wholeheartedly that all things work together for their good. Thoughts become things...thoughts become things...
Successful people believe in the law of attraction...what are you attracting?
4. Thank you!
The truth is that those who say "thank you" will always have the most to say thank you for. When I was depressed and lonely and in a very dark place, one of the first things I did to pull myself up was I started to say "thank you" as much as I could, for anything I could think to say "thank you" for. AND it's true...it is a FACT of life that the universe opened up to me and gave me more and more and more things to say thank you for. It was so cool to see it unfolding for me...so I pass along this miracle of life the echos for us all.
Say thank you, live in gratitude and your life will open up in ways you never thought imaginable.
5. You're incredible, how can I help you?
I am pretty sure this is not coincidental that truly successful human beings in life seem to praise others, a lot, AND try and help others too. Successful people aren't selfish by nature. They are kind and helpful.
The best way to get what you want in life is to help others get what they need.
So today instead of thinking about what all is about to "happen to you", think instead of how you are about to take control over it all and make it your own!
THE FIVE RULES TO GRIEVING, by Kristy Sinsara
Instantly recognize that there's a HUGE difference between grieving the loss of a relationship due to death, and that person no longer being physically present in your life....AND your own personal issues that you may have had throughout your relationship with this person.
I was sad beyond sad (It's stupid to even use the stupid word sad because "sad" doesn't describe at all how I felt)...but I was also broken internally because I had so much guilt, and anger, and loss over so many things that happened between my brother and I while he was alive.
When Scott died I was instantly dealing with this death...but I also know how that his death exponentially accelerated the growth that needed to happen with my issues about his life with me. I wasn't JUST dealing with this death when he died...I was suddenly forced to deal with all of the issues surrounding his life as well, and our life together.
And let me tell you, if you haven't done your work with someone BEFORE they died...it gets harder to deal with after! Not easier!
So it's important that you recognize that you're not just grieving, you're also growing and being forced to deal with things you've probably been sweeping under the rug your whole life. Make sure you differentiate the two.
Don't listen to people and their stupid shit they say to you when people die. It's annoying. It's irritating, and it's debilitating! One person said ONE SINGLE thing to me that I actually found healing...an older gentleman walked into my office after Scott died and he said, "I heard your brother died. That sucks. My brother died 30 years ago and you know what? I'm still grieving. Best piece of advice for you kid is to just let yourself be sad when you need to feel sad. Everyone kept trying to get me to stop being sad and I couldn't understand why. There will always be a part of you that's sad, but eventually you learn to cope and move on in a different way. Don't fight the sadness".
There are no accidents in the Universe. You must understand that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! I know it's hard to hear, but it's true! And much like my blog post above this one, you also have to understand that YOU called this forth long before your soul descended here. I know, especially for those whose deaths are so unexpected, that it's a hard transition for us still here on planet earth...but it IS okay.
Death is a step up in consciousness. It's a transition. It's NOT the end. It's the beginning of something else, for them, and for you.
We all transition. We all leave this planet. And we all take new form.
Learn to be grateful for their life, and stop fixating on their death. This is probably one of the most important life lessons of all here...to stop getting fixated on what you perceive to be the "negative" or the "wrong". Focus and fixate on the "right" and the "positive".
I am SO glad, and feel so grateful that OF ALL THE BROTHERS IN ALL THE WORLD HE CAME TO ME. He lived with me. And he died for me too. Long before our souls descended upon this planet together we made this pact together...to do this FOR each other.
Don't let their deaths be in vain. Let them mean something to you...and let that legacy not just be a life long prison of pain and sadness. Your loved one would never want that for you. They aren't looking down at you here on earth grateful that you refuse to move on.
Be better because of this.
Be stronger because of this.
Be more kind, more compassionate, more giving and loving, and far more aware of time...and life...and loved ones, all because of this!
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